The Dixie Olympics!

Mary Godwin
3 March 2010

Have you ever noticed the preponderance of Yankees in the Winter Olympics? Makes sense, since most of the participants live in cold climes. Wisconsin, Colorado, Quebec, and so forth. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single Southerner in the 2010 Winter Olympics taking place right now in Vancouver, Canada. Of course, I can’t think why any self-respecting Southerner would ever want to travel to that socialist enclave up yonder.

Nevertheless, it would be fun to watch winter games in Dixie, now wouldn’t it? Well, apparently I’m not the only one who thinks that way. Butch Henderson, of Henderson & Sons out of Monroe, Louisiana, has taken the crucial step of putting up initial funding for the Dixie Winter Olympics. I caught up with Butch in New Orleans recently, and got a chance to ask him about the new sports plans.

MG: The idea sounds like a winner to me, Butch. Have you had positive feedback?

BH: Oh, indeedy. Nothing but, really.

MG: Can you give our readers a brief rundown on what the Dixie Winter Olympics would be like? What events would take place, for example?

BH: Well, for the first go-round, we’ve decided to keep things fairly simple. After all, it’s the Yankee who’s insistent upon everyone flying about, twisting upside down, and in general, just busying themselves all over the landscape. Up and doing.

MG: By simple, do you mean—

BH: Limiting the events to a mere three to start with, for one.

MG: What three events do you see for the first Dixie Olympics?

BH: Well, maam, we’ve got the Triple Chew, the Seegar Kickback, and the Yankee Target Shoot competitions lined up right away.

MG: Could you describe the events?

BH: The Triple Chew comes in a team format and a single-contestant format. The basics are simple. The goal is to spit your favourite chew through three smoke rings from your favourite seegar. Not easy, so the competition should be fierce.

MG: So, let’s see. If I were competing, I’d light up a cigar, blow three successive smoke rings, and then spit my chew through all three?

BH: Exactly! Of course, the chew has to land a certain distance away, so the competition will revolve around both accuracy and distance. Then there are the tricks.

MG: Tricks?

BH: For example, the Triple Chew Lutz. That’s where the athlete lights his seegar, blows his triple smoke ring combo, then does a back flip, spitting his chew straight through the rings on the way up. Fancy, eh?

MG: OK. Right. What about the Seegar Kickback? What’s that all about?

BH: This is a tough one, but should be fun. Once again, the competition is divided into team and individual levels, but the format is the same otherwise. The ultimate goal of the Seegar Kickback is for each competitor to keep a Churchill-sized seegar burning while kicking back in a Laz-y-Boy. The competitors will be judged by time, by how long they can keep their seegars burning without relighting them.

MG: So they sit and smoke?

BH: Well, it’s a big tougher than that. All competitors are judged not only for how long they keep their seegars burning, but also by how relaxed they appear to the judges. They ain’t no hopping up and down in the Laz-y-Boys. Instead, the competitors must truly kick back. The more kicked back--while maintaining lit seegars—the higher the score. It’s a difficult competition, but like the Triple Chew, should be quite entertaining and challenging as well.

MG: That leaves the Yankee Target Shoot?

BH: Pretty simple for this one. It’s a 30-yard target shooting competition with in-motion Yankee paper targets.

MG: You mean the contestants will be aiming at Yankees?

BH: Well, not real Yankees, just paper versions. You know—the bald head, squinty-eyed Minnesota look. Our artists have come up with some decent rude-looking Yankee types and of various sizes as well. It looks as if we’ll have a Yankee head target as well as a full Yankee body target.

MG: And how is the event scored?

BH: Easy enough. Whoever kills the most Yankees wins. A kill is defined as a shot landing within a certain set of metrics.

CK : I see. Well, it certainly sounds as if you’ve got a, uh, challenging set of course events. I’m sure you’re bound to get some well-qualified contestants.

BH: Oh, the feedback’s been very good. We’ve already got an initial line-up, with all the athletes training as we speak. We should be ready by next winter.

MG: Where will the Dixie Olympics be held?

BH: The first competition will take place at Hubert’s Hangout down at the Fish River in Baldwin County, Alabama. Hubert’s a fine Alabama boy who’s already agreed to let us use his back porch which faces the beautiful Fish River.

MG: I assume you’ll have the usual Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals?

BH: Actually, no. We’ll have more of a Dixie thematic approach, with the Gold equivalent being the Maduro, and the Silver equivalent being the Oscuro, and finally, the Bronze equivalent being the Natural. Maduro, Oscuro, and Natural, in that order. We’d like to keep to the tobacco theme, in other words.

MG: Well, it certainly sounds...different. We wish y’all the best and we’ll be there to cover the first of the Dixie Olympics down at Hubert’s Hangout on the Fish River!

BH: Thankee, indeed.

 

 

 

 

Mary W. Godwin was born in Mobile, Alabama. She graduated from the University of Oklahoma with degrees in Journalism and Ceramics. Mary currently resides in Gadsden, Alabama, with her husbund, William, and their two children, Noccalula and Coosa. When not busy reporting on current events, Mary's hobbies include drag-boat racing, quilting, and gun-smithing.

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